question: I’ve been writing about a slowly growing problem in me for the last year or two. I’m a 33 year old man and live in Dublin with his fiancée. We both have a good job and are in a good luck enough to be able to buy a home in Dublin last year. Our relationship is great and we have a great group of friends and family. But I feel unsatisfied.
My partner and I are very busy with work and feel that all our spare time is spent on weddings and social events. I feel obliged to go to them and some people have fun, but often I would rather do something else. I sometimes remember when I was in my mid-20s, having a bank account of about 60 euros, living in an old van and working in North America. I always knew that I had a job and a family to go home in Ireland, but life at that time was very easy and enjoyable. There are no social norms to follow, such as making you happy.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a really favorite part of my life and I’m a very lucky person so I know how selfish this is, but I have something more, my soul for some excitement Is burning. My fiancé always tells me how happy she is in her life. A small wedding is scheduled for later this year, but I don’t want to offend her because I feel like I’m missing something.
I haven’t lived here for more than a few years and have lived in Dublin for three years, so I feel like I want something new.
Allison’s reply: “Many men live in quiet despair” is a well-known quote in Henry David Thoreau’s book. Walden, After he started experimenting with living in a forest hut to live in nature away from social norms and expectations. The quote was a call for living a life of misguided values, such as enduring unfulfilled work, losing vacation, and, as you said, making you happy. Please note that the burning soul is quiet and painful.
One problem in relationships is the fear of being able to see the suspicions, fears, and feelings of others’ existence. This is intimacy and you have to pay for the vulnerability. The cost of caring for your fiancée and not wanting to hurt him is a double-edged sword. If she keeps this to herself, these feelings can be heightened and directed at her if she feels this is her dream. Resentment left unexpressed manifests itself in other ways that are inconsistent with a healthy relationship.
Before having this incredibly important conversation with her, there are a lot of things you are happy with, and this is a good thing. If not, other results may occur. From what you said, you love your fiancée and have great friends and family, but there is a feeling that something is missing. That feeling of being unfulfilled or empty is something you need to do, not just notice. This is a place to do inner work without having to live in the forest, but you need to be aware of and aware of the emotions that exist and have been built.
Be careful when these thoughts and feelings come out for you. Look at what is within your control and what can make your life more authentic. I hear the inner battle and conflict between knowing that you should go to every wedding and still feeling obsessed with those social expectations.
Self-betrayal may be a little clue you are picking up. It’s a simple question, but what beliefs convey your actions and decisions to go to every wedding? Without disappointing your fiancé, the internal struggle you have is undoubtedly causing problems by saying you don’t want to go. Weddings are one of the current problems. What do you think cost is for you to dig deeper? Do you feel it is trapped by knowing when you have to go, what you can’t leave, lack of spontaneity, freedom, choice, and loss of personal autonomy? Have you considered an alternative solution?
What about suburban life that isn’t attractive to you? Ask all these questions of your own with neutral and open curiosity. If you find yourself deciding on your question, make sure it doesn’t help and you just get stuck. If you think you shouldn’t feel that way and don’t feel your feelings, nothing will change except that you will have more and more unsatisfied feelings. If you hear yourself saying “this is selfish” or “I’m a very lucky person”, is this inner critic your voice, or has you said this before? do you have?
How do you think you are expressing your needs? What happened when you were a kid and said you didn’t want to do anything or go somewhere? Have you encountered disapproval, disappointment, anger, silence, or anything else? Did your feelings or reality be denied if you said how you actually felt? If that happens, the results may still exist, so ponder this. How can you meet your needs? How do you find a healthy boundary between your time and energy, rather than first meeting and choosing the needs of others?
Existential crisis is now a painful opportunity for you to understand what your purpose in life is and how you make sense, but it is a real opportunity for disguise. It is very helpful to have a professional holding space for you when you explore this. It brings compassion to your burning soul, which you probably feel contracted, especially when covered with “You should be happy”. Dead souls can bring hopelessness.
Be aware that staying in one place, by location, or perhaps in your marriage, can add to your anxiety about the future. It’s interesting that your soul is hungry for real connections. Your inner journey begins with you and you need to learn how your attachment style contributes to your fear and ability to maintain your presence. Did you notice that avoidance appears before?
You can have fears and doubts, but it’s a lonely place to keep them inside. We encourage you to share this with your fiancée. Finding out what brings you joy and seeing how it can bring it to your life can probably bring you the richness of life you desire.
Allison regrets not being able to communicate.If you have any questions you would like to address in this column, please email us allisonk@independent.ie
