“When I was growing up, I was fascinated by something very feminine. I loved Barbie dolls and My Little Pony, walking around with a tea cloth on my head and pretending to have long hair.
Ittle boys are obsessed with femininity and cannot be transgender. But I loved feeling femininity and I was angry about being born as a boy.
This dates back to the 1980s, when the other children of Crumlin I grew up did not react exactly positively. As time went on, I became a little embarrassed, but it didn’t shake easily. It was very difficult to accept femininity from about 10 years old, and I was trying to remove femininity so that it would be socially accepted.
At the age of 18, I came out as a gay man, which was very difficult. At that time, being gay had a big stigma. You were considered weak and as if you were not a real human being.
Because of embarrassment, many gay men who grew up at that time tried to make themselves more masculine. They checked themselves, making sure they were standing and speaking in a more masculine way, and made sure no one said anything to them.
I spent most of my adult life as a gay man, but when I was in a gay club or bar, I felt like I didn’t fit. I had great gay friends, but I just didn’t feel … I just knew this wasn’t me.
I used a brush that I felt under the carpet, but I still couldn’t get into relationships. I didn’t like to be romantic with someone. It was all just social to me. It was a very confusing time and I was almost cornered.
I’ve been in the party scene for a few years and I’m crazy about drugs and drinking. At the age of 20, I arrived at the Rutland Center.
When I was treated, I had no idea who I was. I didn’t know what kind of emotions were happening. And I think that was the reason why I got to know myself better by stripping the layers.
I wasn’t used to joining the LGBTQ + community before, so that was also how I got used to being part of the LGBTQ + community.
I came to the place where I wanted to be myself, my own real self. But still, it took a long time for things to actually change. After treatment, I was still avoiding romantic relationships and just existed. I knew something was happening.
Things started to change when I went to the movies about 6 years ago Danish girl.. Set in the 1920s, she tells her true story of Lili Elbe, one of the first known people to undergo sex reassignment surgery.
Watching the movie, I was able to see how it opened the Pandora’s box for her. And that was a big realization for me. When I was a kid, I remembered my feelings. I remembered if I used to wear women’s clothes or if I liked everything feminine.
Around the same time, more queer influencers came to Instagram and started listening more about transgender people. At that time, I think I unknowingly started to sink with me.
I had a friend in London so I asked her if she could come and dress up and go to the club. That was a big step. Before that, I was always trying to make myself as masculine as possible. Sometimes my gay friends just dressed up in women’s clothes and messed with house parties, but I never got involved. I was actually pretty anal about it.
But when I dressed up then
Something happened in London. I felt very liberated. I expressed femininity again and gained confidence.
After that, I liked to dress up, make up, and nail. I was hooked on it, yet I was still a kind of denial. And I was confused. I didn’t know if it was transgender or just dressed up on the weekends.
When it comes to dating, some straight men accept relationships with transgender people, but many keep everything in a closed room. Many heterosexuals have this fetish with transgender women, so they don’t really see you as a person. They see you as a more sexual object.
Heterosexual men are not really educated about transgender women. Many of them think that being attracted to one means they are gay, but that’s not the case.
When I started dressing up, I took pictures and uploaded them to social media. I was letting my friends and family know what was going on.
When doing that, I felt much more free in myself, and over time I just felt more of myself. I felt like I was actually alive, not real. I wasn’t hiding, and it was just very pleasant.
It was around that time that I got the name Monique.I was watching this documentary about drag queen pageants in New York Queen Among them was a transgender woman in a color called Crystal La Beija. I praised her as she fought her corner, and then she started the ballroom scene in New York. So when the name Monique was mentioned in that documentary, it really resonated with me. My old name also started with M.
It took me four years to openly emerge as a transgender. And, as you know, I realized that I was actually transgender. I started the transition to medical care three years ago and have been on female hormone therapy since September 2019.
When I look in the mirror and feel masculine, I am suffering from gender dysphoria. Hormones make me feel more feminine. If you are taking estrogen like me, they will soften you and make you look more hippie and feminine.
In my case, my weight went elsewhere. But it has a lot to do with genetics and how your body responds to HRT.
Of course, you need to be aware of your mood and mental health when starting hormone therapy. This is like passing the body through the second puberty. You are more emotional and more like a teenager.
Still, these are very important and positive steps in the transition to transgender healthcare.
I also had breast augmentation and female facial surgery (FFS). I am happy with the changes I have made during the migration. I may have bottom reconstruction surgery in the future, but I want to make sure I’m in the right place. And I’m mentally ready for that. I have my life to do it, and it’s a big step, so you have to take it slowly.
I was fortunate to be financially stable when I started the transition. I was in my thirties and worked to be able to support myself financially.
However, not all transgender people, especially transgender youth, are in that position. The Irish health care waiting list is 3 to 5 years old, you can’t take hormones until you meet a psychologist, and you don’t have the money to buy personally.
Should children and teens be given more time to explore gender identity? It’s not black and white. Children go through stages because they don’t know who they are. But you have to support your child. You cannot simply dismiss them. If your child comes out and says they are transgender, you have to educate yourself about what they are experiencing and reach out to the appropriate support groups. In the same way, I think we have to get them to explore it.
As for me, I found my real self, and I am very happy and happy. I was born as a transgender person. This is always what I should be. “
@theallpowerfullmonique_c
